I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
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1-------- I do physical labor.
2.------- I work at great depths.
3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.--------I work in a damp environment.
6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.------- I work in high temperatures.
8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.
Reply: Dear Penis,
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After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team .
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
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7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
A man came home with a gallon of ice cream and asked his boyfriend if he wanted some.
"How hard is it?" his boyfriend asked.
"About as hard as my penis", he replied with a smirk.
his boyfriend shot back, "Then pour me some"
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2008年1月29日星期二
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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
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The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
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Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. Erotic Black Ebony Gay Story The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
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"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
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"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
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Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. Erotic Black Ebony Gay Story The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
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"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
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"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
So, stop me if this is too lame, it's an old one with something new to me:
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Farmer Question for boy
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him
against a charge of bestiality.
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"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he’s
expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another
lawyer," he continued, "who’s not a great trial lawyer, but
he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had
second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he
was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed’s
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The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
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against a charge of bestiality.
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"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he’s
expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another
lawyer," he continued, "who’s not a great trial lawyer, but
he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had
second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he
was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed’s
pecker."
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The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the
fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"
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Sexy Cow
There were three guys hitchiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a cow ranch, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. So they looked for the main office to ask the ranch owner if they could stay for the night. However, the ranch owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow.
One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"
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asian boys picsthe milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.
The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."
The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."
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Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath
The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"
One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?"
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asian boys picsthe milk sac. So they began to suck and drink.
The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full."
The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right."
The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk."
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Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath
The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one, long, nipple!?"
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A Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands. "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!" The teacher said.
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Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" "Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other nigh. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, "Oh God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
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The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gay man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist whether he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes we do. We stock the 'Magnum' brand by Trojan. Would you like to buy some?"
He responds, "No sir. But would you mind if I waited around here until someone does?"
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Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" "Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other nigh. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, "Oh God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
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The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gay man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist whether he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes we do. We stock the 'Magnum' brand by Trojan. Would you like to buy some?"
He responds, "No sir. But would you mind if I waited around here until someone does?"
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Hard Marines
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
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So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
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"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
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"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
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So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
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"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
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"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
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In an accident in Rome the Pope and Bill Clinton died in a carcrash Later at the gate of Heaven Petrus sends the Pope to Hell and Clinton to Heaven. But next day he sees he made mistake and calls both to his office to have them transferred.
Gay Black "Hurray!" The Pope sais: "I finally will meet the Virgin Mary". "Uhm Pope, you are late 1 day..." Clinton answers.
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Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...
Driver: "What does 'College of Logic' mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
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Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time." Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
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Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
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Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then your a Homo!"
Driver: "What does 'College of Logic' mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
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Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time." Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
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A man go to see see the doctor.
doctor: "I have good news and bad news"
man: "Bad news first please"
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doctor: "You are very sick, you are dead in 3 months"
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doctor: "You are very sick, you are dead in 3 months"
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York
and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas . He
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Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
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Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's
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License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
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The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit
out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down? "
thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York
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Deputy says," License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
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Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
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Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's
the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
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If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
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The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit
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A gay boy walks in the street and a man says to him:
"Where is that cute ass going to?"
"To the supermarket if nothing comes in between" the boy said...
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"Where is that cute ass going to?"
"To the supermarket if nothing comes in between" the boy said...
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A very rich boy he walks to a prostitute and he asks: "Excuse me you have STD?"
And the prostitute said "NO" and send him away, that happen 3 or 4 times.
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Then 1 prostitute she say to him:" Yes I have, you want it?"
"Yes" he said so they go inside for a &^%$
After finished the prostitute asks: "Excuse me but WHY you want STD?"
The boy answer: " Well, me I have sex with the maid, the maid she has sex with my father, my father he has sex with my mother, my mother she has sex with the driver, the driver he has sex with the cook, the cook she has sex with the gardner, and him I want to hurt, he killed my frogs when he cleaned pond!!!".
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And the prostitute said "NO" and send him away, that happen 3 or 4 times.
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Then 1 prostitute she say to him:" Yes I have, you want it?"
"Yes" he said so they go inside for a &^%$
After finished the prostitute asks: "Excuse me but WHY you want STD?"
The boy answer: " Well, me I have sex with the maid, the maid she has sex with my father, my father he has sex with my mother, my mother she has sex with the driver, the driver he has sex with the cook, the cook she has sex with the gardner, and him I want to hurt, he killed my frogs when he cleaned pond!!!".
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I found this one on the series of tubes. To be honest the set up is a little offensive to me, but I'm too tired to clean it up right now and the punch line is worth it:
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"My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
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On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch.'"
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"My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
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On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch.'"
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Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell.
One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde stud on his lap. Jim gets pissed off,so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
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God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."
One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde stud on his lap. Jim gets pissed off,so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
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God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."
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